London trip

I'VE been Southbank centre to see Koestler  Award exhibition 'Im still here'. From the perspective of secure patient it's moving. Especially pieces of art telling about time.  Howmuch time left me to do my time. Master Osho would tell me tto live the present. I do.


The yage Letters

Just finished reading the yage letters of William S Burrougs. Great reading epistolary theme about tripping in South America. I got a taste to go myself there and try ayahuasca. see the Nose of God

A kind of freedom

My first unescorted leave from hospital. What a feeling to be outside on its own. Soon I will be out of hospital doing my own things. I want to volunteer for homeless  people. Help them in recovery from addictions and house them. I care a lot about homeless because I had a friend who died year ago and he was homeless we spent some time together conversate about stuff. Miss you Paul.

Romance in psychiatric ward

I have a romance while locked up in mental asylum. She dont know what to do so she breaks up all the time. Thinking...

bliss in your body language

my mind is in peace

I meditate

you sleep like a buddha

sun tries to get through the curtains

drawing funny structures on a carpet

it's so peacefull and bliss

all is peace

all is bliss

fight with the system

I know I have no chance fighting the System, but I try using devices available. 

Simulacra and simulation

My reality is simulation. Eat read even smoke is simulation. Imprisonment of the self.

let down

I thought I found a friend. I made a mistake. It hurts as hell. My mind is in hell. Don't know if to trust anymore anyone. 

Changes

I am changing hospitals. Changes are always good. New challenges. New place. I am happy

My own book is in the shops

Now, when i accomplish such effort I can relax. No longing just pure awarness. No-mind. I meditate in a state of full awarness. No longing, no waiting, just being in a present. 

Moving out

I am moving to the seaside, differrent hospital. Can't wait the change. 3 years in medium secure hospital, need a change. I am so happy. My publisher confirmed cover of my book. The project is nearly ready, so soon I will be a published author. Can't believe my luck. Book will be available in whole world. In my horoscope today they wrote that I need to change the land. So even horoscope knows what is going on!

Real Madhouse

I am living in a madhouse, but world outside is mad either. Here I have safety and peace. No one disturb anybody. Nurses and doctors care for me. What if I will get used to this perfect world and will never go out to the madness of outside world?

Perfect Day

I am dreaming about perfect day, drinking wine in a park with friends and than we go home.

Broken Mind

Master Osho says to break fences and walls of Mind. But what if this fences and walls are real? My Mind may be free breaking physical walls who surrounds me, but I am surrounded by those walls and fences! What to do now? Being deteined and with free Mind! I am meditating, feeling the present as eternity. This suppouse to be good for me, but I feel that feeling eternity in being deteined is a nightmare. What to do? Think I must study more to find out...

System and me

I am in the System. Breathing the System living the System. I can't run away from it, can't walk away. I sleep in a comfort and safety of walls and fences, electric locks and medication. I forget how looks the reality. My friends forget me not? I feel lonely, here there are no real relationships, all is fake and terribly proffessionall. Like a theater. You play your role to get out of here, they play their role to keep you here. Us and Them like a Pink Floyd song, it is neverending story, becaose they can prolonge your length of stay as much as they like. It is terror. My dreams are my escape, I sleep long to stay away from the reality which locks me like a padlock. I am in a padlock, springs make noises they turn forth and right but never open. I feel close to get out, but something happens, some day of bad emotion and whole progress is down. Their is no sorry to the System. SYstem keeps me here so long that I start to believe that there is no way out of here.

I am reading master Osho. My new spiritual leader. He says That there is no God. I am reading Matrix the philosophy. After reading Neuromancer the conclusion is one Matrix is result of Neuromancer and cyberspace. That there is pluralism of religions and there is no spoon to bend, you have to bend yourself.

Let my mind be a mirror and reflects the reality. I swim in an ocean of philosophy of different kind but result is only One - me in a middle of the fight between good and bad. I need to swim in books otherwise I will get crazy in a nuthouse. 

To empty a mind get rid of all this crap which sits in me all my life I meditate in motion as master Osho says. Meditate in motion. I appreciate the day. I apreciate the psychotheraphy and all positive interactions with peers.

I hate being locked up, but I appreciate the people in my life and awakening. I appreciate that I am writing my book, that I took off the great heavy load off my chest and made notes about big chunk of my life and people present in this time. Time which will never come back, people which will never come back, because they are dead already. Bless them, my friends.

I have been accepted to another hospital lower security. I will live near the beach. I am looking forward to it. Changes. Changes are always good. New people in my life, new places, new energy. I am worry how I will pack my books, its over 160 of them. I am gasping for a cigarette. Today I went out first time after seclusion. My mail was full of crap, why no one write to me? Write to me please what you think of my site and my sweaty sentences.

While I am waiting for discharge I write my poetry and my book. It gives me fullfilment. I am not afraid of the future. I am looking forward, for a change. Have enough of stagnation and boredom of being detained. Psychic wrote to me that angel is taking care of me. That lots of bliss is on my way and changes.

 

Locked Up

Being locked up is life changing experience. It is like prison but worst, in prison you know the date of your release, here you are kept as an animal without any dates. They can prolonged length of stay as much as they want. I had bad day thay locked me in seclusion this prolongs my lenght of stay. I feel like a shit in a plum. There is no way out of here. This day I can't see the day of my release. It's worst than prison. They locked my body but they can't lock my mind. And my mind is unlocked. Its free.